The Camouflage Inside Me is a mixed-media series of various panel substrates, ranging in size from 9”x12” to 36”x 48”. This body of work describes the culture shock of military life during my first four years in the Marine Corps. After I retired from the Marines over 14 years ago, many repressed memories began to surface. These began to adversely affect me in many ways, and often manifest itself in violent dreams. But, through this body of work (and therapy), I am slowly learning to express and cope with post-traumatic stress as it emerges.
I compare this endeavor to peeling an onion; the removing of 22 years of stressful, chaotic living, and suppressed personal feelings for the sake of the mission. I learned the art of camouflage in two ways: physically, in order to avoid being detected, and psychologically, in order to keep my feelings masked. The consequence of living a life of training to fight and kill is the inevitability that psychological effects will continue to manifest in unexpected ways, probably for the remainder of my life. Even though this journey has been one of the most difficult endeavors in my life, learning to face these memories helps me to remove years of pent-up emotional turmoil. Each individual composition in this body of work reflects layers of some emotional highs, as well as memories that I probably would rather have kept buried.
The work in this series begins with figurative descriptions of my experience, followed by a transition to transparent and translucent non-figurative elements as I explore my subconscious. The random application and layered approach of each work of glued paper, fabric, metal leaf, paper, acrylic media, glazing, and textures are descriptions of the deeper issues that have surfaced. The random flow of transparent and translucent color fields intertwines with geometric and organic shapes and material that reflects emotional turmoil I have no other way of describing.
This therapeutic journey begins my goal of cathartic emergence to a life of mental peace and freedom. This also marks the beginning of my development as a person and artist—of cleaning out the blockage. My goal is to exhibit this in military museums and facilities to increase awareness of internal battles we suffering veterans continue to face.